Pride and Predator-Juice.

there are loads of things people don't know about me. or just disapprove of.

first on the list of shame is my inherent and passionate love of really horrible puns. and i am talking like real bad puns. like if these puns were to somehow take human form, they'd be racist and would probably like to hurt animals and use gel in their hair. i am in almost constant, red-hot scrutiny when any bad joke is made and i so much as crack a smile or cackle like a hyena on a coke bender.

for clarity's sake, i will whole-heartedly admit that i have a boisterous laugh, a high-pitched cackle of some forgotten overweight English nanny, that some experts have said is infectious. i will also readily admit that i find very stupid things incredibly, irresistibly hilarious.

many times i have stood alone in the white spotlight of uncontrollable public laughter, feeling heavy looks of confusion and sometimes rage. and in that moment, i have pondered: "how did i get this way? why am i so sensitive to the venom of the giggle bugs?" well, friends, i have dug through files and files of useless Dave Watt memories, and have managed to trace it back to a simpler time, a time where young DW was raised by a mother who was also a part-time clown. with an army of homemade puppets and a suitcase full of rubber chickens, she reared us Watt siblings with goofy voices and a semi-religious-but-not-idolatrous worship of anything Muppets, and a sharp wit that, despite it's dripping cheesiness, is so fast and potent it would make Robin Williams' head spin until he vomits. yes, she's been known to cackle at things that most people would probably just shake their heads at, or not even comprehend. if you've never met her, you need to. it's that important.


mom rules.


so, as far as who murdered my normal-person-sense-of-humor, mystery solved. it was Suellen Watt, in the late 80's/early 90's, with the Sneaker puppets. and i couldn't be happier.

THREEVE.

first things first: you look great today.






philosophy of life =

1. enjoy all aspects.

2. love people as much as possible.

3. give a little, take a little.

4. learn what you want.

5. laugh.

6. make something, anything.

------------------------------

















hidden philosophy!
7. steer clear of Dead Man's Drop

Some People Call It An Omen. Not Me, I Call It 'Just Hangin Out'.

as i left for work the other day, i noticed a huge shadow go across the side of my neighbor's house. i looked up.

"oooo, hawks! three of them!"

then i realized they were actually vultures. i instantly felt like something really bad would happen that day.

then, at work, a trash bag ripped while i tried to throw it and garbage landed on my foot.

MRCA Mercy Me!

first off, i seen Beowulf. in 3-D. you should seen it too, but only in 3-D, otherwise you're wasting your time and money, unless you are a viking. then you will like it, but only in the way that hackers like The Marix Reloaded. mark my words, i never want to see another movie again unless it's in 3-D.

sorry, i meant 'seen', not 'see'.

secondly, i seen Beowulf in 3-D again, two weeks later. it was still awesome. my hypothesis is correct.
thirdly, before seening(?) Beowulf in 3-D the first time, i discovered that Lenny has MRSA (pronounced 'mersa') on his upper leg. you know, old staphylococcus aureus? lucky for him, because he was under the impression that it was a centipede bite. he pulled up his pant leg and i seened the wound. (this is getting weird.) upon tasting the wound, i realized it was not a centipede bite, but rather a staph infection. and then his doctor tasted it and said it was a mutated staph infection and he could have died. you're welcome, Lenny.



now i can't stop chewing on my mustache.

file phile

THIS!



file under 'awesome'


file traveling under 'i love it!'.

file me under 'hungry'.

gwarbage

i never have beefs anymore. here's a good recent beef:

can't a guy consider 'enjoying life' as a full-time job?

my beefs are short and sweet.

Get More Mighty.

my favorite passtime has officially been changed from 'awful pig squeals' to 'people-watching'. don't worry, 'dad jokes' and 'armpit farts' are still on the list as well.

also, this!


we are planning on getting a portrait above it. 'we' being myself and my left leg and some other person who has the same thing on their left leg. if you think it's classy, you're wrong: it's not classy, but that's sort of the point, okay?

thus, my goal for life (right now) is to write a restaurant and convince them to bring themselves to Pittsburgh, or better yet, Monroeville, or better yet, my front yard.

or better yet, my mouth.

also, the 'thus' above is completely unnecessary.



thankyougoodnight